How do I get my partner to last longer in bed? He always finishes way too fast, then rolls over to sleep. -Unsatisfied GF
Oh GWORL! I’d be wakin’ him up for a pussy midnight snack if he pulled that mess with me! There is no excuse for his selfishness nor pleasure inequality—what a turd! It’s not just that he doesn’t last long enough, it’s much worse; he seemingly doesn’t care about your satisfaction.
Addressing communication before addressing function is important. Sex is woefully truncated when we reduce it to penis-in-vagina. Penetrative sex usually doesn’t do much for the external clit anyway, and the majority of women’s clits need that extra lovin’. So get creative! There are myriad ways to get the job done besides penetration. So what if he finishes too quickly?! Ask him to go down on you, use his hands, use a toy, or hold you while you masturbate. As far as getting him to last longer, you could encourage him to try the deer exercise (google it) or practice edging. Edging is where he will work himself up, almost to climax, but stop just before, then repeat. This practice will eventually enable him to have much better control and lasting power. Another tip is to have him work on breathing exercises. When you learn to coordinate breath and body movement, you develop a rhythm. The rhythm in turn prevents tension, freak-outs, anxiety, and gets oxygen to the muscles to relax. In time, breathing and movement will heighten his bodily awareness and cultivate greater body attunement. This can be accomplished outside the bedroom in other ways as well, whether it’s by doing yoga, working out, or playing sports. In the meantime, it’s on you to speak up and demand he please you too. As the Beastie Boys said, you gotta fight, for your right, to parrrrrrrrrty!
Do you have any words of wisdom for a gal who gets catcalled often?
First, I think it’s important we make a distinction between someone complimenting in a kind way versus someone saying something in a disrespectful or degrading way. We always must consider the spectrum of intent. If a guy says to you on the street, “wow you’re beautiful” you can chose to respond with “thank you” or simply choose to ignore him. He is a stranger and you owe him nothing. Wearing headphones and avoiding eye contact is a great method for dealing with this. If, however, the way he says something or the words he uses are disrespectful, you can still ignore him, or you can do what I do: out-crazy the mother f*cker.
Here’s the thing with power dynamics. Whether it’s catcalling or someone harassing you at work, the moment you say, “you’re making me uncomfortable” you are taking the submissive role. You’re putting the attention onto you. But, if you say, “Do you normally speak to women (or fellow employees) that way?” you are taking the dominant role, putting the attention back on him. So learn to put him on the spot! Always ask a question, even an absurd confusing one, then walk away. Here are some examples: Did you take the bus to work or bring your lunch? Did you wake up thinking you were Batman this morning? Does your head hurt? Is your sphincter ready for my wrath? (I don’t recommend this one for use in a workplace setting!) Why is your face green? OMG what’s wrong with your eye?!
If you’re feeling safe and feisty, you could also just say, “Step to me when you step your game up, bruh.”
My personal favorite I frequently use is, “Did your mother teach you to speak to women like that?” I’ve heard a very defensive NOOOOO many times after this question. Sometimes, however, when you do respond, it can escalate, and that’s why every woman needs a great self-defense class or martial arts practice under her belt, plus some mace on her at all times. I think most of us have experienced sexism, misogyny, and harassment enough that when these things happen, we can utilize the rage of every injustice of every woman who has ever come before us to fight back. And believe me—there’s a lot there.
My partner Amy is the best person for me. Perfect. She inspires me to be a better version of myself every day and I admire her greatly. We’ve enjoyed ten happy years of marriage! Sex is great and we rarely fight. But there is a problem. I met someone at work who completely captivates me. I have greater motivation to dress well and stay later because she is there. I am anxious and eager to see her in the mornings. After the weekends, the eagerness is even deeper. Any interaction sends my thoughts soaring with fantasies and the idea of running away together. But I know she’s nothing like my Amy. Though I get lost in my own dream world of feelings and possibility, I also logically know we would never work. She’s very young and immature, but that is also part of the allure. If we did make a go at it, it would take so much work that I am doubtful I would be happy. I don’t want to leave my marriage but I am completely tortured by these new feelings for my co-worker. If Amy knew, it would devastate her. I can’t stop the flirtation and drive I feel toward my co-worker. What can I do? Should I seek counseling?
There is no fuel to the fire of desire quite like obstacles and uncertainty! As Esther Perel says, “Infidelity has the tenacity that only marriage can envy.” The eagerness, longing, anticipation, and time spent daydreaming is is nothing more than dopamine eliciting pleasure in your head. It’s not some divine fate drawing you to someone, like every fairytale has romanticized human attraction to be. It’s literally a neurological tide rolling in, swirling around like a whirlpool, taking over your thoughts. Acknowledging and accepting this will lesson the torture.
My greatest advice would be to work on mastering your thoughts. You’re feeding an emotional craving and it’s time to stop! Mindfulness, mindsight, and meditation are all great practices to begin this. When you start to think about your co-worker, do 10 jumping jacks or redirect your attention to thinking about a special date or experience you’ve had with Amy. When you wake up next to Amy, instead of checking your phone or playing on social media, make it a point to eye-gaze with her for several minutes. Realize that life-building with Amy, all you have shared, and all you have been through, is worth far more than any fleeting feeling of dopamine swirling in your brain.
You’ve created a new neural pathway for dopamine when you think of your co-worker, and you’ve become addicted to it. It’s time to create new pathways for pleasure. If you follow your co-worker on social media, remove or unfollow her. Limit or completely stop interacting with her altogether if you can. Take a vacation with Amy to reignite your bond and take a break from seeing your co-worker at the office. Try to create some new experiences with Amy, preferably something a tad dangerous, such as sky diving, a hot air balloon ride, or speedboat racing. This will kick that dopamine in gear, along with your endorphins.
If you think counseling will help you get a hold on your thoughts, by all means, seek it. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy could be a great help to you. And remember, attractions toward others come and go naturally, even when you’re in a relationship. It doesn’t make you a bad person—it makes you human. You show your true character when you choose how to handle these attractions.
And don’t forget, true love is intentional. It exists in the doing—not the feeling. Good luck!
Ms. M. aka Mal Harrison is a clinical sexologist, relationship coach, and the Director of the Center for Erotic Intelligence. Have a question? Email firstname.lastname@example.org or find her on Twitter @AdviceFromMsM