Opinion

Ask M: Love At First Sight, Text Games, & the Ultimate Threesome Fantasy

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Ask M: Love At First Sight, Text Games, & the Ultimate Threesome Fantasy

Dear M.,

Do you believe in love at first sight? I met someone three months ago but we haven’t seen each other since. We were texting nearly every day before I left on a work trip for several weeks. Two weeks before I returned, he left on a an expedition for work. He claimed the internet was horrible since he was on a ship, and that explained why we stopped texting, but every morning I’d see him sign onto Facebook. His shipmates were regularly posting Instagram stories, so clearly the internet wasn’t that bad. I tried to just let it go, think positive, and not take it personally. When he got back in town his parents surprised him with a visit for a week. They left the night before I had to leave town again to LA. Now we’ve finally both been home for a while, but he says he’s swamped with work and extremely busy. My friends saw him at a bar we regularly frequent so he can’t be that busy. We also aren’t texting so much anymore. I don’t know what happened, because it felt like we were really digging each other. The connection is real, though I admit I was a little infatuated with him waiting in anticipation until the next time we could see each other. Initially it felt like the timing was just always off, but now we’ve both been in town for over two weeks and he hasn’t made any efforts to see me. Should I continue to pursue him or should I just move on?

-Bummed and Confused

Dear B&C

You’re right. It’s infatuation. And do you know what’s just as powerful to the human brain as infatuation? Cocaine addiction. That’s not love, that’s insanity! Can two people see each other for the first time and wind up together forever? Yes—albeit rarely. But is there such thing as love at first sight? No. A feeling of connection, powerful attraction, and infatuation at first sight exists for sure. But love, my sweet angel, is in the doing—not in the feeling

And that brings me to my next tidbit. If he valued your shared connection and was as truly interested in you as you clearly are in him, his actions would measure up to his words. It’s really quite simple: if he wants you, he’ll pursue you. If he wants to spend time with you, he’ll make time. If your connection is a priority, nurturing it will be a priority. And if not? MOVE. THE. F*CK. ON. Life is too damn short. 

And who knows? Maybe he was seeing someone else this whole time and fell in love. Maybe he’s on the DL. Maybe he just got diagnosed with something major or maybe something terrible happened to him while he was on that ship. It’s never good to make assumptions, but you can judge what to do next by his actions—or lack thereof.

It’s so easy to believe the excuses because we want to believe in the reasons as to why we’re not getting what we want. We overthink and hyper-analyze every text, every word, every like and reaction to a Facebook or Instagram post. We treat our infatuations as if they’re some grandiose mystery to solve, and we become well versed at observing every minute detail—like the fact he goes on Facebook every morning—even when he claims to be so utterly busy or have horrible internet. And you know what, Dear B&C? It will only drive you mad. You will take it personally. It will hurt. Not like the horrible devastation of a heartbreak, but rather like 300 annoying papercuts at once. It will make you feel like you’re not enough, when in actuality, you’re too much. That’s a great thing because each and every one of us is our own unique recipe of too much—we’re not meant to be with every person we feel a connection with. Being too much is simply a litmus test of weeding out those who aren’t awesome or strong enough to handle our shine. Rejection is not a result of you as a failure, but rather a sign that you’ve got bigger and better things waiting for you on the horizon … like someone who is—horizontally speaking—at his very best! 

Eventually you’ll realize this t-ball game with the boys is a waste of your time and energy. As you garner experience, you’ll begin to spot the real men who play in the big leagues. Boys say one thing and do another. Their actions and their words don’t measure up. Real men value integrity; their actions and words coincide. So maybe instead of seeking qualities that lead you to believe in love at first sight, you instead use your hyper-observation skills to seek out men who exhibit integrity. 

Love, M.

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Hi Ms. M,

I left a five-year relationship just over two years ago, and haven’t dated since. I think I’m ready again. I feel so out of touch with all the dating apps and I’m horrible at keeping a conversation going via text. Do you have any advice for a 32-year-old guy who is introverted and shy?

Dear Introverted & Shy,

Push your boundaries, do what’s uncomfortable, explore explore explore, but remain true to yourself. You’ll experience rejection, shame, joy, bliss, highs and lows. You’ll fall and flub. But dating is a practice just like anything else—the more you do it, the better you’ll get. You must force yourself outside of your comfort zone and outside of your shell. When it comes to texting, ask questions. So many people talk about themselves. The typical extent of their questions are, “What do you do? How was your day? Pic?” Instead of asking someone what they do, ask what their passions are. Instead of asking how someone’s day was, ask what inspired them today. Instead of asking for a pic, send a pic of a close up of where you are and ask them to guess. Other cute suggestions include, “Send me a screenshot of your top most recently played songs ” or “Send me a screenshot of your most recently used emojis”. These are fun, and help the two of you get to know each other. 

When you finally do meet IRL, pick up some pointers from Celeste Headlee’s TED talk on how to be a better conversationalist. So many of us spend our days glued to screens and interacting via technology. We’re losing our ability to have great in-person conversations. When we do listen, it’s too often with the intent to reply instead of the intent to understand.

And remember, many frogs are kissed before the Prince—or the Princess. Don’t be afraid to make a fool of yourself, and don’t be afraid to fail. We can’t finely tune what we do want, until we’ve experienced what we don’t want. So, my dear Introverted and Shy, be inspired to fail. It’s the only way you’ll eventually succeed. 

xx

M.

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My boyfriend is dying to have a threesome. I am attracted to women though I have never hooked-up with one. He set up an account for us to meet other girls and sends me pictures of them constantly. When we’re together, he’s always on the app. I try to play it cool and act like I’m really into it but I literally can’t deal anymore. It’s getting so old. The possibility was super exciting at first. Now I feel like this is becoming the bulk of our relationship. If I just go through with it do you think it will calm him down? It’s his ultimate fantasy but I just want my old boyfriend back. 

-Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

He’s on the hunt for fresh meat and you just want to enjoy the garden you’ve worked so hard to cultivate. I get it. Guys are so funny with their ultimate threesome fantasies, unwise to the fact that it’s hard enough to genuinely please one woman—much less two!

This isn’t about him realizing he’s not the Don Juan of his own dreams. This is about you. Regardless of whether or not you’re game now or will be game later, you need to communicate to him that his hunting habits are starting to take a toll on the relationship. If you’re feeling insecure now, then doing it IRL will feel 1000x worse. But that insecurity could just be from the fact he’s paying more attention to strange girls on an app than to you. 

Here’s the real test: Would you seek to be with another woman for the sake of your own pleasure and exploration if your boyfriend weren’t in the picture? Would you do it on your own?

If the answer is an unequivocal YES, then perhaps it’s time to take initiative and seek someone to take your girl-on-girl virginity without him present. This way you don’t feel pressure to perform for him, you just simply get to explore what turns you on with another woman before adding dick to the mix. Who knows, you might really love it and it might open an entirely new erotic channel for you and your boo—or just you—to explore. 

If however, the answer is no, then you need to tell him you’ve changed your mind about having a threesome. You should never force yourself to “just go through with it” if it’s not your true heart’s desire. That’s selling yourself short and selling out, Exhausted. Plus, you’re lying to yourself and to him by pretending to be cool with something when you’re not. If he can’t respect or honor your decision, BOY BYE! Nobody should ever do something because they’re being pressured or coerced into it. Going through with it in hopes it will calm him down will only breed more resentment within the relationship. And resentment equals a toxic AF death sentence to any partnership.

If all else fails, just tell him you’ll consider a threesome with another woman if he’ll consider a threesome with another man. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander, no?

Love, M.

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Have a question for Ms. M? AskM@centerforeroticintelligence.org

Ms. M. aka Mal Harrison is the Director at the Center for Erotic Intelligence. Twitter @AdvicefromMsM  Instagram @MelodiousMsM

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